Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Here I am...

So here is where this girl has been at the past couple of weeks; really doing some deep soul searching.
Honest questions that have been going through my head and my heart:

1.Is this adoption Gods will for us? Did we go on just a whim?
2.Am I just wanting a cute Chinese baby to carry around on my hip and show everyone?
3.Can I really love a child that is not born of my own?
4.When I’m awakened at 2:00am will I be resentful??
…..just to name a few.
So I have been in Gods word ( the ultimate guidebook ! ) and in prayer.
As I think through some of these questions, here is where I’m at with them:

1.When I wonder if this is His will, sometimes I feel ashamed of myself. He has been faithful to us, and through this, all the way! How can I keep forgetting that?? One example; we needed to come up with a rather large payment and at the time thought that we would have to dip into a line of credit (btw; we strongly feel that we are not to go into debt with this adoption, to not take out a loan, as I just typed that I realized that we haven’t either, up to this point……thanks again, Lord!) instead, a dear friend approached me at church and told me that her and her husband had decided not to adopt and that they were given a grant and wanted to forward that grant to us. It was amazing, we only had to come up with $200 to make the entire payment…….
2.I do want people to know that we promote adoption. If that means then, that one of the ways to do that is by having a child that looks differently from us, then so be it. I’m still praying over this one….
3.For those of you that have adopted; tell me about the bonding process for you – is it love instantly? Or does it grow ?
4.This one too, makes me feel ashamed. How selfish of me. The teeny tiny bit of 'sacrifice' that I would have to 'endure' is nothing compared to having this child become part of our family, to be our daughter. My daughter.

My dear sweet amazing husband is quietly letting me go through this. He knows where I’m at. I know he’s praying.
Thanks sweetheart.
The other day he was mentioning something about when we get our daughter – he again emphasized the word to me: when.

I have made such incredible Christ centered friendships with this blog and through this adoption. I welcome not only your prayers but for your advice.
Amy in Germany, Rachelle and Mark, Stephanie, Amy W. – God has used each of you in my life (whether you realize it or not ! )
Thank you.
Please know that this isn’t a lack of trust, I don’t even consider this being fear – just honest questions that I’m asking my heart and my Heavenly Father.
I only want His will.


Amy said...

With out faith it is not possible to please God. God will lead all of us down some roads that give our faith a workout. It is "normal"!!!I love your DH's answer "when". You know,it's not just your daughter, she also has a DADDY!

Rachelle said...

Oh Kristy-

your thoughts and feelings are exactly the same as I had........and still do at times. Isn't is amazing how we all are more alike than different. God knows each one of us, our strengths, our weaknesses and our inner thoughts. I am still praying for you my friend. You will come through this and see God's hand in every step.

P.S. God gave both of us our amazing husbands to get us through these doubts. Allow him to be your guide.

Jewels of My Heart said...

I am about a month late in sharing about your post. You probably have it all figured out by now. First I would like to say if you go through the adoption process and never have any doubts or fears on and off I think you may not be ready and are not being realistic. God's Will..... I have been blessed with my two miracles. Nicholas was born in Russia and Hannah in China. Adoption is a long, heartwrenching process anyway but when you are a Christian it seems the Enemy will do everything in his power to keep this precious child from going to a Christian home with their loving parents. You will find you may face delays and even detours but when it is God's will the door never closes... and the most amazing part is that even when the enemy tries to make everything go wrong and delay after delay... God is on the throne and His timing is really perfect so it just backfires on the defeated one because it turns out your time in the CCAA to be matched will be right when your little one's paperwork is there waiting for you.
She is YOUR child. Before God created you He knew who ALL your children would be. You will love her, oh, how you will love her... sometimes it is from the beginning and other times it grows each day a little more and more just like a seed grows and then when you hold your precious child in your arms the flower blooms and your heart must surely grow at least 10 times because it is impossible for it to contain all the love you feel for your child... it overflows... You receive a glimpse into the heart of the Father because it is a pure Aggape love that feel. You will not be able to love her more if she had been born of your womb, and you will stand in awe of the God who loves you both so much that He led you half way across the world to hold your miracle child in your arms...
My family thinks I have lost my mind because I think Hannah looks like me in so many ways... as the days go by you will find your daughter is more and more like you all the time.
The Lord gave me this scripture as we were lifting off the ground in a plane leaving my daughter's province... I was a little sad for her and for her birth mom but this scripture He whispered in my ear and my heart gave me peace.... I believe He is whispering it to you today as well.... A legacy for you and for your daughter....

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

God's Speed